illphated

Audrey,

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write, but I owe it to you and myself to be honest. I love you more than words can express, but I’ve come to realize that love alone isn’t enough to sustain us anymore.

I’ve admired so much about you—your intelligence, your wit, your energy—but I can’t reconcile how you approach some of the things in your life, particularly your job at NASA. It’s a position people would give anything for, including myself, and seeing your lack of passion for it has left me feeling disconnected. I don’t expect you to live the way I would, but this has always been a sore spot I couldn’t get past.

Since we’ve both been critical of each other, I need to share something I’ve been holding back. You’re not my ideal body type. I generally prefer slimmer women, but because I loved you so deeply, I never wanted to ask you to change. I accepted you as you are, fully, because that’s what love means to me. I never wanted you to feel like you weren’t enough.

Another thing I’ve struggled with is feeling suffocated by your need to track me or know where I am at every moment. I understand where it comes from, but it led to a deep sense of anxiety and a feeling of mistrust that only made me act out more. It felt like you never truly trusted me, even when I gave you no reason not to. I know it’s hypocritical in some ways, but it’s how I felt, and I need to be truthful about that.

I held back from voicing these things because I didn’t want to hurt you. I buried them until they spilled out in moments when I was drunk or overwhelmed. Maybe that wasn’t fair to either of us, but I didn’t know how to balance my love for you with the ways we clashed.

What hurts most is that I believe in unconditional love. For me, that means accepting someone wholly and not keeping score of every little misstep. I feel like you don’t see love the same way, and it’s created a distance between us that I can’t bridge.

I’ll always cherish the time we spent together and the memories we made. You’re a beautiful person inside and out, but I think we’ve reached a point where staying together is hurting us more than helping us. I love you, but I have to let you go.

Jim